Owning a Goblin King
by misunderstoodemon
Summary: Well here's the thing; when the proferred prize for reviewing actually shows up, what to do with a bare-chested and chocolatey Goblin King? NOT mature. Reviews appreciated!
1. Appearance

A/N: Haven't written anything in ages, much less in Labyrinth, this was born out of the recent profferment of a naked chocolate-covered Jareth if I reviewed. Naturally, I did so. And... this is what came of it.

Disclaimer: Pains me beyond all reasoning to admit it, to my public no less, but I'm afraid I do not own the Amazing Entity Otherwise Known as Jareth, Beloved Goblin King. I bows before Henson, Froud and Bowie. *genuflects*  
Jareth: Very nice, dear.  
Me: Oh thanks everso much.  
Jareth: Forgot that bit about not making money though.  
Me: Shut up, dearest.

Leave a contribution in the little box!

* * *

The young woman giggled as she finished reading the fanfiction and, like all truly awesome fangirls, went immediately to review with constructive criticism. Still giggling to herself, she finished her review and sent it in, adding the story to her favourite so that it could be found later. She sighed as she leaned back in her chair, absently hiking her skirt up a little. She got hot when she got excited, especially when giggles were involved, and that last story had involved a lot of giggles.

Absently browsing the stories she had yet to read, she was adjusting her filters to get rid of a particularly persistent Hungarian fic that seemed to not want to leave her alone, despite the fact that her acquaintance with the language and the country was confined to classic Dracula movies and admiration for Bela Lugosi. Then there was a small change in air pressure that made her ears pop as she selected the next story.

"Ow," she muttered as she rubbed an ear.

"My sentiments exactly," came a miserable-sounding voice from behind her.

She froze, slowly swivelling around in her chair, skirt still hiked up to her knees.

"Shit."

"Again, my sentiments exactly."


	2. Then Came The Screaming

There was a Goblin King in her bedroom.

Not that she was against this situation in any way, but the fact that he was there at all was cause for no small amount of concern.

"So umm.. dare I ask why you're here? My little sister'd be a pain to try and take away..."

He sighed heavily, with the air of the long-suffering martyr.

"I am here to recompense you for a review you recently wrote."

She blinked.

He stepped forward a little, into the rather inadequate glow cast by her lamp, and she saw that not only was he most definitely the Goblin King, he was also shirtless. And there were streaks of a dark substance on his chest that looked suspiciously like chocolate.

He brain went blank, an error message flashing across her mind.

ERROR ERROR. IMMEDIATE REBOOT NEEDED. EXCESS OF GORGEOUSNESS DETECTED.

There was a moment of silence in her mind as it took in the highly agreeable sight before her.

Then the screaming started.

MR. JELLY, MR. JELLLY! DIVIDE BY EGGPLANT! was the first bit, but she lost track shortly after that.

"So... you're mine?"

"It would seem that way."

The error messages started again.

* * *

A/N: Anyone who guesses where Mr. Jelly/Divide by eggplant comes from gets a (virtual!) cookie.  
Please, leave a contribution in the little box! I left it around here somewhere...


	3. Goblin King SlaveNom

A/N: To those who reviewed, thank you! To those who didn't ... *shakes finger* naughty! No (virtual!) cookies for you!  
And a shout-out to Lixxle, who I may or may not secretly stalk of DeviantArt, and whose writing I do so adore. *hides*

* * *

Once coherence was regained, sometime later, the first question asked was "Seriously?"

The answer was yes.

"Nom," was the only reply to that.

Several parts of her mind were chanting, and had hoisted the bits labelled 'Self-restraint' and 'Common-sense' over a large bonfire. They had also begun an elaborate ceremony to crown one known only as 'Lust' as Supreme Empress of all Mind-dom.

"So... what does this entail?" He sighed heavily again, bowing his head. The roasting stopped for a moment, and a mass chorus of "Aaaawwww!" replaced it, half maternal and half fawning over his adorableness. He conjured a scrap of paper and read off of it reluctantly.

"I must fear you, love you, and be your slave."

Her mind lost all semblance of organization, and every bit ran off in another direction as 'Self-restraint' and 'Common-sense' were engulfed in flame, leaving only charred bones in their wake.

"I have a Goblin King slave," she said in awe. He made a sound that sounded like a sob.


	4. Chocolate Heals All

An hour later, they were sitting at the kitchen table with the wine she had found in the back of the fridge and a large pot of tea and the most chocolatey cookies she could find.

"And... and then they glomped me..." he sniffled again and she patted his hand reassuringly, sipped her mug of tea and resolving vitriolic revenge at a later date. "And... a-and when I woke up I had been painted purple and huge upside down..." she patted his hand reassuringly again, and gave him another cookie. Chocolate seemed to help, even though he still had some smeared over his... lovely... chest...

"And the fireys were dancing around a fire... with the fangirls... and when they saw I was awake..." he sniffed and ate his cookie.

Chocolate definitely helped.


	5. The Future Destruction of Humanity

Sometime during the night, fantasies about the future destruction of the human race were thoroughly thought through. Sometime before alarms started going off though, she resolved to enjoy herself first, before either bombing the major cities of the world (doesn't everyone secretly want to do that?) or fleeing to the Underground in terror of humanity. There would be an extensive question-and-answer session first, for one thing, and maybe she'd get around to _really_ enjoying herself with dear Jareth one day. Preferably after he had stopped sobbing, and before he left to wreak bloody revenge on those who had condemned him to slavery. He didn't seem to mind too much so far though, so she was quite happy to go to sleep, feeling the warm glow of fangirlish love and the certainty of the future destruction of the human race warming her heart.

* * *

A/N: Well THAT wasn't slightly disturbing at all. Not at ALL... Updates may be sporadic for the time, though I've written several more chapters. It's all a case of getting time to upload them and the like - midterms and projects = EEK! Reviews will help of course! ;)

Please, leave a contribution in the little box! Though it's not really a box anymore...


	6. Destructive Tendencies

A/N: Hi again! This chapter is because... well I _do_ need to be writing that English paper, but Jareth is just being too darn inspirational tonight...  
Reviews welcomed, indeed lusted after as though they were Jareth himself. Feed the starving fanfic writer?

* * *

"No, I can't write my English paper on the destructive tendencies of goblins."

"Why not?"

"The class is Victorian Literature, and goblins are not mentioned in any of the texts we're studying."

"Pity."

"You're telling me. Morris is awesome, but most things would be improved with goblins." She giggled. "I can see it now. A description of the post-apocalyptic landscape, taken over by goblins!"

"Only if you want a chicken as the national mascot and goblin ale as the national drink." He shuddered, and she patted his cheek reassuringly.

"I'm not going to be the one writing it, I assure you." He smiled gratefully. "Maybe a challenge posted on the internet is in order though..." He glared at her, and she dissolved into giggles.

* * *

Challenge: What happens if the goblins are given free reign over the world for say... 72 hours? Go, fanwriters, go write and conquer! Review or PM me with a link and I'll post its name and yours in the chapter after you do! (please write it?)


	7. The Ahab Conundrum

"But you said Squib was the particularly useless one."

"No, Ahab."

"Ahab?"

"Ahab."

"Should I ask?"

"After centuries of goblins asking you for names because they are too stupid to name themselves or their offspring, you get... creative."

"Obviously. Did you have a Bother? Nuisance? Pest?"

"Yes. And Fuss, Annoyance, Intrusion, Trouble, Perturbation, Hassle, Pain, Botheration, Infliction, Plague, Blight, Pestilence-"

"I get the picture."

"But I haven't even gotten to my second month as King!"

"Oh dear..."

* * *

Leave a contribution in dat... box... thingy... hm.


	8. The Sad State of that book

A/N: Review? please? Thank you to all who have - you're the reason I keep posting! And on another note, who can guess what obscenely popular yet completely useless as a piece of literature book I am poking at here?

ForSanity's: strangely enough, I hadn't even thought of that Squib! And me a Harry Potter fan too... And yes, Ahab. I think copious amounts of books are the only thing that keep the Goblin King(relatively) sane.

Now, on with the show!

* * *

"So let me see if I understand this. This girl, for some unfathomable reason, likes that... boy."

"Yes."

"And he is not adverse to her attentions."

"Correct."

"Yet he feels the need to conceal his true nature from the humans around him."

"Yes."

"While I agree with the motivations, humans being generally surprisingly intolerant and shallow beings, those who are not merely tolerable," he pointedly ignored the elbow in his ribs, "Why in the name of the Underground did he not tell this girl for whom he professes to feel something roughly equitable to love his true nature?"

"He wanted to protect her."

"And ignorance does that better than knowledge?"

"He seems to think so."

"That is, simply put, unequivocally stupid."

"Thank you! Not to mention that he's a slimy, shallow, simple, childlike, dim-witted, unintelligent, one-faced, despicable, unworthy of consideration-" A hand covered her mouth.

"I get the picture."

"But I only got through my impressions of the first two chapters of the book!"

"_Terribly_ amusing, I'm sure. Now give me a proper book before I bog you."


	9. The Cries of My Ears

A/N: Two guesses who I was thinking about when I wrote this, and one doesn't count. This is one of the few times I am truly ashamed to be Canadian. We're sorry!  
Thanks to all those who review. Moars?

* * *

"This is what passes for music these days?" Jareth asked, holding up a CD by one of the latest talentless teen sensations.

"Unfortunately, yes. I'll give you some proper music to listen to later."

"Like what?"

"Rock and roll, of course. With a bit of German metal thrown in, naturally." He grinned.

"Glitter?"

"Only some. But it is worn by real men who _can_ wear it, I am pleased to report. Not prepubescent nutjobs who haven't been alive long enough to known what they're singing about." A teenage girl who had been eyeing both Jareth and the works of the CD he had discarded glared at them viciously.

"Like who?" he asked eagerly, following her out of the store.

"Queen, Meatloaf, Rammstein, David Bowie, Evanescence when you're depressed..."

"Ah."


	10. Stolen Underwear

A/N: Sorry I didn't update earlier. I have 2 term papers due in the next 3 days and I'm only half way through one and haven't started the other. Eek! Rating upped for profanity and future *suggestions*. Reviews feed the starving university student (Literally. I havden't eaten today yet.) Enjoy!

* * *

"Jareth, so help me, you come out this instant."

"Jareth, I mean it. Show yourself!"

"So help me, it you don't make those damn goblins give me my clothes back, I will skin you alive!" There was a muted giggle from under her dresser, followed by one from the closet.

"Jareth," she said, ridiculously sweetly. "So help me, if I don't see you in the next thirty seconds, I will shave every inch of your skinny ass bald and dye you pink." There was a *pop*.

"You bellowed, precious?"

"You heard me." Jareth turned on his heel, paced up the room once and thrust his hand behind a bookshelf and came up with a sheepish goblin with blue hair.

"You heard the lady," he growled, and there was a distinct *pop* from her dresser.

"I don't want the underwear that's still missing back, OK? I just don't want to know."

"That would be the smart thing to do."


	11. Minds OUT of the gutter, please!

A/N: Sorry for the late update, I have 4 finals in the next three days and had a party last night that we're still cleaning up from. The tribble fur is _everywhere_...  
May update mid-week in apology, but in the meantime here's something light, and please do review!

* * *

"Jareth, can I ask you something?"

"Of course."

"Um... can I have a favour?"

"That depends greatly on what it is," he replied, eyeing her rather suspiciously.

"Umm... well it's kinda embarrassing..."

"Take your time."

"Umm... well you see I've had a pretty rotten week, and I really need something to release some of my frustration on."

"And?"

"Well I've tried violent internet games that involve shooting zombie insects, and that just got me hyped up and frustrated. Running just got me sweaty and chocolate can only go so far..."

"And?" She mumbled something incoherent.

"Speak up, I can't hear you."

She looked up at him pleadingly.

"Can I kick a goblin?"


	12. BookPrompted Giggles

"Hello!"

"Hm?"

"Hello, I said."

"Hm."

"Hello?"

"Shoo. Book."

"I will not _shoo_. Kings do not _shoo_."

"G'way."

"Nor do we 'G'way'." He sat beside her and peered over her shoulder at the book she was reading. Only a moment later she collapsed sideways into a laughing fit.

"What on _Earth_ are you reading?" He took the book from her nerveless fingers and inspected it critically as her laughter died down into snorts and giggles. "What was so funny?"

"The . . . the Wedding Tree!" she started laughing again and Jareth scooted a little farther away.

Some Time Later

*sigh...* "I'm not sure why, but suddenly all is right with the world." She looked over at him. "Jareth, why are pouting? Am I ignoring you again?"

"Kings do not pout. We introspect."

"Fine. Why are you introspecting?" He didn't answer. "Here," she handed him the book. "Read. Stop sulking, or _introspecting_, muffin." She kissed his temple and opened the book for him and booted her computer up.

Even Later

"... suddenly I understand you much better."

"Does that scare you?"

"Oh, yes."

* * *

The book I had in mind when writing this was Allyson Beatrice's "Would the Vampire People PLease Leave the Lobby? True Adventure in Cult Fandom." It's really good, and very funny, and I highly recommend it. It was also used as a source for my Anthropology paper...


	13. Grandmother

A/N: Sorry this is a little late, according to my self-imposed schedule, mainly because I am working in the election and have been called by about 12 people from various branches of the government so far to inform me of various things, and I helped a friend move yesterday. Reviews are very welcome, as always!

"Why am I not surprised?"

"Because you know me?"

"Maybe. But _why_?"

"I... wanted to?"

"Not a good reason. At all."

"When you're a king you don't need a better reason."

"Honey, darling, poofball-"

"Hey!"

"-you are very strange."

"It comes with the territory."

"So tell me, honestly. Why in heavens name did you go to visit my grandmother and tell her you were a friend of mine?"

"I am a friend of yours!"

"Come to think of it, how did you get her address?"

"..."

"You were spying on me again weren't you."

"... yes."

"Did you follow our rules?"

"Your rules."

"Did you follow them?"

"Yes. No watching in the bathroom or bedroom."

"Now, I'll ask again. Why did you visit my grandmother?"

"..."

"Now don't start that again!"


	14. Frustration Outlet

"Here's one! Give this one a try."

"Hold it still."

"I am! It keeps wiggling..."

"OK, here goes..."

"Remember, it's all in the technique."

"In and out..."

"With feeling, of course."

"Of course."

"Just do it, I'm cramping up here!"

"Frustration... outlet..."

"I can't stay in this position forever." With a sudden movement she struck, and both sighed happily.

"There's nothing like a good goblin kick to release frustration." Jareth said happily as they watched the goblin go neatly sailing through the air, to land somewhere in the Goblin City. On a goat, if you must know.


	15. Sleeeeep

A/N: Sorry for the ratherlate update. We had a party yesterday and we had to frantically clean. On another note, my backlog of chapters for this story is becoming depressingly small, so any suggestions for chapters would be welcome!

* * *

"When was the last time you ate?"

"What time is it again?"

"Tuesday."

"OK, when was the last time you slept, Majesty?"

"5:00."

"OK, lie down, and I'll have some cake!"

"The cake is a LIE!" She eyed his more-crazed-than-usual eyes and the four exclamation points following his cry.

"More than three exclamation points is a mark of insanity. Sleep now or I knock you unconscious." She left the room and returned several minutes later to find a Goblin King asleep on her bed. Eyeing him for a minute, sucking on a fork that tasted like icing, she decided against stripping him and dyeing him pink. A woken Jareth couldn't be any more pleasant that she would be. Sighing, she put her fork on her bedside table and found a blanket to put over him, crawling under the blankets he was somehow hogging despite the fact that he was lying on top of them.


	16. Anniversary

A/N: Hi there! Long time no see!  
*crickets*  
Oooookay then. Long story made very short: Norton 360+Windows 7= no internet. Then my computer forgot it had a DVD drive, so I couldn't put new security on it to replace the Norton, and I had to restart it from factory settings. Over a month later, it's mostly fixed, though I'm still having some issues. Sorry about the long wait and how late this is, but I'll be posting an extra chapter as a make-up. Also, if you have any ideas/requests for things you want to see, PM me or say in a review - I'm open to ideas!

* * *

"Happy anniversary."

"We have an anniversary?"

"You don't. I do."

"Oh. Happy anniversary."

"No, it's not."

"Why not?"

"It wasn't even acknowledged by the Powers That Be!"

"Muffin." After patting his hand reassuringly, she returned to her computer, sure that said Powers would receive their comeuppance sooner rather than later, judging by the slightly teary Goblin King on her bed. She sighed.

Would it have been so hard to issue a poster or something?


	17. Stupid Humans, or Scream

A/N: Sorry to all of those who have reviewed and have not recieved a reply- really hates me sometimes. Instead, here is another chapter to make up for my many transgressions against your patience. *bows* Thank you.

* * *

She took one step inside and screamed.

It was not the high, breathy scream of Hollywood horror movies, or the terrified shriek of more realistic ones. Rather, it was a full-throated screech of fury. As if on cue, Jareth appeared in a puff of glitter.

"What in the name of the Underground happened?"

She stalked toward him, grabbed his shirt front and pushed him against the kitchen counter, only to snarl "People are _idiots_," in his face and abruptly turn on her heel and stalk away again.

"Oh dear..."

She grabbed a CD, shoved it into the stereo with unnecessary force, and cranked it up. Jareth conjured ear plugs and sat primly on the orange plush sofa.

She began to rant, with much volume, violence, and hand gestures depicting all the terrible things she was going to do to the idiots. By the time the (rather short) CD had finished, her cheeks were pink, her French highly grammatically incorrect, though very heartfelt and turning the air slightly blue, and the hot chocolate she had paused to make was lukeward chocolate milk.

Thankful nothing had blown up, Jareth left shortly after, even slightly thankful he only had to deal with goblins on a daily basis, and not the general _human_ population.


	18. Almost There

A/N: Yeah, I actually updated. Score! lol Anyway, reviews are appreciated, as always. Don't own.

* * *

"It's fine, really."

"Hmph."

"Nobody can do it on their first try."

"Except you?"

"Not even me. I had to work at it. It took me years."

"And that's supposed to make me feel better?"

"Yes."

"Doesn't, much."

"Does it still hurt?"

"Yes."

"I told you to wear more appropriate clothes."

"Never mentioned footwear, I noticed."

"I assumed you would make the obvious assumption."

"I never assume anything."

"Obviously."

"I thought these were appropriate clothes! Who knew you had a leather-corset-and-boots fetish."

"Fanfiction changes a man."

"Fae."

"Whatever."

"Or that the latter didn't come in my size on short notice."

"Quality takes time. And are you complaining?"

"No, actually I quite like them, but this _hurts_."

"Wimp."

"Yep."

"Try again."

"Damn it's hard."

"I would hope so."

*thud*

"OK, forget this! I am not trying to spin crystals again until I get steel toed boots!"


	19. The Conundrum of Jareth's Nose

sigh...

"What's wrong?"

"My nose..."

"... your nose does not appear to have changed since the last time I saw you. It is still a very nice nose."

"No, you don't understand."

"No, I don't."

"It's how it's _described_. Thin, straight, crooked, arched, proud. It keeps _changing!_"

"... well it doesn't look arched to me, though you are pretty proud. Maybe it just permeates your entire being or something..." He glared at her until she grinned. "Let's look at this scienticifally. Ruler?" It was slapped into her hand. "Now, let's see if this crooked thing is true..."

A Short While Later

"See? Your nose is as not-crooked as mine, and I've never broken mine. Have you?"

"I don't know?"

"I could not have made that sound any more unsure if I had tried."

"Well they keep changing my back story!"

"I know," sigh. "Fangirls. Can't live with 'em, can't toss them into the Bog."

"Exactly. I mean, my _nose_!"

"Hush."


	20. The Perils of Corsetry

A/N: Please review, I'm running out of ideas here. A strange and rather uncomfortable experience, let me tell you. I'm afraid more of my brain cells than I care to admit have been taken over by a Mr. Benedict Cumberbatch and Sherlock Holmes. sigh...  
Anyway, re-reading this, I can see the tiniest glimmer of the Kate Daniels books influence (Curran calls Kate 'baby' because she looks like she is being tortured every time.) for those who have read them... yeah.. Also, corsets do strange things to your body. Just wanted to put that out there...

Review, _please_!

* * *

"You really want me to wear this?"

"Oh, most definitely."

"I don't blame you, it's pretty as hell."

"I should hope you wouldn't blame me."

"But it also looks like it'll hurt like hell."

"I'm afraid I have little personal experience with that particular area."

"Disturbing images aside, you're serious about this?"

"Deadly serious."

"Very well, muffin."

"I wish you would stop with that embarrassing nickname."

"_I_ don't. The expression on your face is priceless."

She disappeared behind the screen and he left the room, not wanting to hear the painful gasp, and/or shriek that would probably occur in the next minute.

"Here goes..." he heard her mutter, then the apparently-customary sudden exhalation of breath accompanied by the sound of strings being ripped through their holes at great speeds.

"Holy shit!" Jareth's eyebrows rose and he had to chuckle a little.

She emerged.

"My boobs have grown!"


	21. Thesis Fail

A/N: WOW! Thank you, especially to everyone who reviewed and gave me ideas for this story. By all means please continue to send them in if you have any! They'll probably start showing up in a week or so. Thanks also to LadyCavalier, who gave me so many reviews in such a short time. I thought there was a glitch when I opened my inbox that day...

This was inspired by the research I did for my anthropology term project, which entailed reading pretty much every single paper on Google Scholar that mentioned Labyrinth. It was both highly entertaining and rather scarring. If you've got time to kill, take a look at them. Some of the interpretations of the movie are... _creative_.  
Enjoy all, and please review!

* * *

When Jareth appeared, he was greeted with a peal of laughter and a small pillow to the chest.

"Hello, demon lover!" she cried, and burst out laughing again.

"Demon lover?"

"Yes! Come read this thesis!" He was, according to the essay, a 'demon-lover', though there was a point where she burst out "Did she not _watch_ the movie?", and immediately blushed.

When her mother came downstairs shortly after midnight to ask them to be quiet and found them wrapped up in a blanket on her daughters bed staring at the screen of her daughter's laptop in mutual fascination, twin cries of "It's a peach, not an apple!" only just having faded, she blinked only once.

"Hello, Goblin King. Could you two keep it down?" They assured her they would, and when she retreated Jareth asked "Your mother knows about me?"

"Of course."

"Why was I not privy to this conversation?"

"Because tea is better at calming mothers than you are."

"I think I should resent that."

"Damn straight you should. Now hush, I want to see how else they can screw the movie up."


	22. Caught With a Keyboard and a Text Doc

A/N: This is in response to LadyCavalier's suggestion. As I will be out of the country this time next week, there won't be an update next week. That may also be why this is one of the longest chapters I've yet posted in this story... hm.  
As said previously, suggestions for chapters are still welcome, and reviews are even more welcome. Thank you!

* * *

She sat in at the desk, lit by the dim glow of her computer screen, typing away on the keyboard with occasional glances down and, let's be honest here, occasional pauses to giggle to herself and rub the cramps out of her hands. When she did both at the same time she felt like she should start dying her hair and demanding a puppy skin coat, but that was beside the point. Giggling to herself again, she started typing once again.

She was so absorbed in her work she almost missed the subtle change in pressure that heralded the Goblin King's arrival.

Luckily, the key for her word is 'almost', and she had just enough time to minimize the text document she was working on before Jareth leaned over her shoulder to peer at her computer screen.

"I wasn't aware you had a fascination with demonic undergarments."

"I don't. It's a webcomic – the title doesn't have to have anything do with the content!"

"And yet the same rule does not apply to books? That's strange."

"Well, yes, but with webcomics you don't have an editor and agent breathing down your neck saying that your byline can't be saying that it's not Satanic porn, even if it isn't."

"... Right. Now what were you doing before I arrived?"

"Excuse me?"

"This is a new window, precious, and you reset your homepage from your favourite search engine to better cover your tracks."

"..."

" 'Curses, foiled again'?"

"You should know, you're the Villain."

"Only because there's a distinct lack of anyone else wanting the job."

"And I knew I was going to regret introducing you to the Internet."

"Yes, I believe you said as much as you were doing so. Yet you still did."

"It was the only way to get you out of my hair while I was studying for my Anthro final!"

"I think I should resent that, but that's beside the point. What were you doing before I arrived?"

"I don't suppose I could beg off on a charge of invasion of privacy?"

"Of course not, don't be silly. You know the Goblin Kingdom has no such laws, and as such, I don't have to abide by them."

"Stupid diplomatic immunity."

"On the contrary, I've found it very useful on a number of occasions. Now answer the question."

"No."

A small scuffle for the mouse ensued, but Jareth cheated and cut it short when the computer spontaneously changed back to the open text document.

"Crap."

"... _Really_?"

"... yes?"

"First off, this description of the dungeons in the Castle is nothing at all like the reality. There's much more slime and mold. Also-"

"You're not going to throw me in to see for myself, are you?"

"Don't be silly, now _type_."

sigh... "_Fine_."


	23. Diplomatic Immunity a la Harry Potter

A/N: I had a great time in Florida, missed the hurricane by almost a day, and didn't melt in the deplorable heat and humidity. My apologies for the mini-hiatus, but it was _DisneyWorld_. Srsly, dudes.

Words Of Explanation: I'm Canadian, and Stephen Harper is our Prime Minister, k? This is a kind-of continuation, off of something I mentioned in the last chapter, inspired by one of the early GirlsNextDoor comics. If you haven't read it, go to DeviantArt and do so. I'll wait.

And Enjoy!

* * *

"Jareth?"

"What?"

"I have a question."

"Hardly a unique state of affairs, but please continue."

"You mentioned that you have diplomatic immunity as a visiting head of state, correct?"

"Yes."

"Well, doesn't that mean you have to have actually come to the notice of this world's heads of state?"

"Well... yes."

"Seriously?"

"One can hardly claim the rights of a head of state when no one is aware of your existence!"

"Yes yes. _Do_ tell."

"Well it's really fairly simple. I occasionally drop in on the leaders of various countries, let them know that I'm around and if they try to interfere with the Goblin Kingdom by wishing away people en masse or any other way there will be all sorts of nasty consequences, and once they're stopped flailing around on the floor or looking at me like I've grown a third head they usually stammer out something along the lines of "Of course, Your Majesty," and I leave them alone."

"OK, four questions."

"I'm listening."

"Like Harry Potter?"

sigh... "Yes, at least a little like Harry Potter, only with more cursing, attempts to call for armed assistance, and near-heart attacks."

"Cool. Flailing?"

"Yes. Like a fish out of water."

"Awesome. Out of curiousity, how'd the Robot react? Did his alien overlords appear to you?"

"... No. No, they did not. He reacted as well as most of them. Though there was a little more staring blankly at me than most. I will never understand this fixation of yours with your Prime Minister as a Robot."

"Blame Rick Mercer. Now I'm not American, but how'd Bush react?"

"Badly. Let's leave it at that."

"Obama?"

"Quite well, actually. Even asked me my advice on something the last time." She thought Jareth sounded a little proud, or maybe smug, about that, but she left that at that.

"Have you ever appeared to David Bowie?"

"Yes. It never ends well."

"I guessed as much, though guessing is a deplorable habit at the best of times."

"No more Holmes for you right before bed."

"Damn. You have no power over me, though."

"Ow."

"Sorry. It had to be said. Your ego was pushing all the oxygen out of the room again."


	24. The Raid Of Fail

A/N: This was inspired/prompted by LadyCavalier in a review. I didn't forget! In return, I'd appreciate it if you didn't forget to review. *bats eyes*

Also, that 'demon lover' thing? Well I can't post a link here, but it's in an anthology called "Braveheart and Broomsticks; essays on movies, myths and magic." The essay inside is called "Feminine Spectatorship of Jim Henson's Labyrinth", and is available on google scholar. Have fun!

* * *

"Shhh!"

"Quiets!"

"Ooh! Sparkly!"

"Hushes!"

"Quiets!"

"Preeetttyyyy..."

*thwak*

"You wants da Kingy to get in trouble?"

"noes."

"Den shaddap!"

_creeeak_...

"Wut was dat?"

"Dunnoes."

"Chikkin?"

*smack*

"Don' be stoopid! No chikkins here!"

*collective gasp*

"Aww... now don' cry Ahab. S'okay. We still gots our chikkins."

"YAY!"

"QUIETS!"

"Well well well, what have we here?"

"SCATTER!"

"Oh no you don't!" The end result of the brief scuffle was that a cookie provided an ample distraction for several of the goblins, and two more were hoisted up by their legs, squealing for the others, who, for the most part, escaped to tell the tale of the disastrous raid on the chest of drawers marked as belonging to Her.

"Now, lets go about this like civilized bipedal beings. What were you doing in my closet?"

"Canna tell you that!"

"... Do you by chance have Nac Mac Feegle blood?"

"Wot?"

"Never mind. What were you doing in my chest of drawers?"

"..."

"Speak up, please."

"Was on a mishun for da Kingy."

"Oh Kingy put you up to this, did he? Well then I'd best get some cookies while we discuss some pay back for Kingy."

"YAY!"

"QUIETS!"


	25. Goblin Army No 2

A/N: Well I'm still alive. Maybe. Review?

* * *

"You gots the plan?"

"We gots the plan!"

"Good! Now goes, goblings, and conquer!" When the goblins had left, she shuddered. Spending too much time in the company of the small, if incompetently adorable, beings was apparently hazardous to your grammar in the worst way. It was a wonder Jareth still knew what 'defenestrate' meant, but then again, he did it so often...

Grinning a little evilly as she picked up the plates and cups from where the goblins had left them, she put them in the sink to be washed later, still grinning.

There were many things she valued highly – quiet time, music, good books, and fattening food among them – but privacy was in another league altogether, and unbeknownst to Jareth, he had crossed a line, of sorts. While the raiding of her underwear drawer had been unwelcome, unpleasant and had resulted in the loss of several pairs of socks, among other things, she didn't take too much offence to it after the fact, especially since the goblins had thought _that_ one up all on their own. But Jareth putting them up to this one, and choosing its target, had crossed a line, and she intended retribution.

_No one_ touches her costumes.

She just hoped this wouldn't end in the Bog.


	26. Freaking The Mundanes

A/N: Sorry this is so late, but I've started to be eaten by university. Didn't think it'd happen so quickly... Also, met new relatives today who seem pretty cool. That's pretty much all my excuses...

Review?

* * *

He appeared in her room at the prearranged time, sulking regally, to see her perusing a picture book on her bed.

"I'm here," he announced redundantly, and she looked up.

"So you are. Good for you." She looked back at the book on her lap. He sighed.

"What is it you wish of me?" She grinned and put the book down.

"Now _that_ was the right question." She hopped off the bed and stood in front of him in pyjama pants and a t-shirt. "We, dear Goblin King, are going out."

"Out?"

"Out."

"Out out?"

"Out out."

"Where is out?"

"A convention."

"Huh."

"So, here's what we're going to do. You're going to change into your I-am-the-Goblin-King-so-fear-me-puny-mortals outfit, and we are going to go terrify the people."

"What will you be wearing?"

"A costume."

"Never mind. I shall provide you with one. What would you like to go as?"

"Well since we're going together... Goblin Queen." His eyebrows rose, but he nodded.

"Nothing too skimpy or scarring, please." In a few moments his clothes had changed, and he ordered her to close her eyes. She did, and felt him circling her, and grinned. A minute later she opened them and looked down at herself.

She now wore a tight leather corset that made her stand quite straight in order to breathe, and leather boots that added an inch to her height and made her stand even straighter just to stay upright. There was a soft white shirt under the corset, open at the top to show a bit of her cleavage, and a black skirt that came half way down her shins that had several slits in it to allow complete freedom of movement (unlike the corset), and showed off her legs when she walked.

She grinned. And he offered her his arm as he mirrored her expression. He was clad in black armour, and a cloak swung dramatically from his shoulders.

"Let's freak the mundanes, darling."

They left.

There was screaming in the streets that day.


	27. Blood and Trolls

A/N: So hi. I'm getting bad at this update stuff, yah?

I want to thank everyone for their lovely reviews over the course of this fic. Just... wow. Thanks.

And this fic has no relation to that comment. Really. I just like the word 'wow'.

* * *

"Wow."

"Exactly."

"I have not seen that much blood since I had to ... injure... the Troll Prince."

"Injure?"

"OK, maim."

"Maim?"

"Half-kill, maybe."

"Troll Prince?"

"He infringed on a treaty. And they _have_ three more where he came from..."

"I'm... I'm not going to ask anymore. I just end up disturbing myself."

"I think that would be wise."

"And just to prove how wise I really am, I don't think I'm ever taking you to a movie again."

"Aww!"


	28. Adversary

A/N: I really am very awful at this updating thing now. Damn you, university! *shakes fist*

Anyway, I don't know how frequent updates will be from here on out. There will be a Hallowe'en update, but beyond that I have no idea. Please feel free to send me in your ideas, but I can't make any promises at this juncture. And yes, this particular chapter does reflect my current unhealthily ardent passion/obsession/fascination with a certain someone.

On another note, this is my brain...

* * *

sigh...

"What is this?"

"Jeeze! Don't sneak up on me like that!"

"I don't sneak. I'm a King."

"Well King needs to make more noise when I'm absorbed in something."

"Speaking of which, what is that?"

"What's what?"

"More precisely, who is that on your screen?"

"_That_, my dear fellow, is one of the most glomp-worthy British actors alive today, currently starring in the most wonderful series I have encountered in ages that isn't a comedy, and wearing the most wonderful tailored coat that fits him like a glove, and flares when he spins around. Ooh! I can show you a video of the spinny!"

"No, thank you. What is this paragons name?"

"The actor or the character?"

"Actor, to start with."

"Benedict Cumberbatch."

"Bless you."

"That's his name, stupid!"

"Benedict Cumberbatch?"

"Yes! And what a lovely name it is."

"What character is he playing that has managed to make you so enamoured of him?"

"Sherlock Holmes, the Greatest Detective Who Never Lived, and so will never die. He, not unlike-"

"Please don't start monologing."

"Why not? It's so much fun!"

"For you. Not for someone with no context."

"But the monologing gives you context!"

sigh... "_Fine_."

"Good. Well, in 1888 a young doctor..."

Jareth eyed the face on the screen.

The face on the screen eyed him back.

_We are not going to get on_, Jareth thought.

He was right.

* * *

... and THIS is my brain on Sherlock Holmes.


	29. The Four Rules of Meeting the Family

A/N: Am dealing with midterms and some family stuff, but updates will continue for at least until Hallowe'en. Jareth has deserted me for the time being, which is probably for the best, but he left me with a sociopathic detective and internet access.

This will not end well.

* * *

"Tell me again why you want to come."

"Curiousity."

"Try again."

" . . . curiousity."

"Your occasional stalker-ish tendencies have nothing to do with this?"

" . . . "

"Thought so. You may come, on some conditions. 1- no biker-like gear. One of the guys there is a biker and will call you on it in a minute flat. 2- No masquerading as one of my professors. 3- Be nice. Please, these people have broadswords and longbows as well as phasers. 4- If you do obvious magic tricks, be ready to teach something that looks a lot like it to half a dozen curious people." He agreed, though he objected to having to be told to 'Be nice'. "OK then. Clothes?" He changed into something resembling 'normal' attire, and she sighed again.

"OK. Let's go meet my family."


	30. Stretching for the Main Event

A/N: I had three midterms today. And I'm still updating. If that isn't love, I don't know what is. Love me back, via review?

* * *

"Jareth?"

"Hm?"

"... what are those goblins doing?"

"Stretching."

"Why are they stretching?"

"To get ready for All Hallows Eve, of course."

"Why are they stretching for Hallowe'en?"

"Because it's one of two days a year they can cause almost all the mischief they like and not be noticed."

"Really."

"Of course. They even bring back souvenirs. Though I am still curious as to where they got that pink pinata..."

"Why are they stretching that part of their anatomy?"

"You'd be surprised."

"No, I don't think I would."

"You'd be surprised how much a work out an evening of mischief can give the eyes. With all they've seen on these expeditions, I find it truly astonishing that they've managed to retain their sanity."

"You call this sanity?"

"Well the word is, admittedly, inadequate, but it's the best I can do in English. The word in goblin is much more appropriate."

"And what would that be?"

Jareth produced a sound that sounded like it came from a place situated somewhere between an angry fat woman stuck in a wicker chair that was threatening to collapse on her, or rather under her, and the unsurprised squawk of a frequently molested chicken.

"And what does that translate as?"

" 'The ability to enjoy a good defenestration.' or a good shagging, the verbs are disturbingly similar."

"I take it you're paraphrasing?"

"Oh yes. The direct translation is considerably less eloquent."

"I'm not surprised. By the way, why are the stretching their eyes a full two weeks before the main event?"

"Practice makes perfect? I think they're trying to numb themselves to the costumes they will be subjected to Aboveground."

"All they'd need to do to do that would be to sneak into your closet."

"They know the consequences of that, and retain enough of their paltry good sense not to try it again. Right, lads?"

There was a muted chorus of 'yes's from the heap of goblins contorted on the floor as they stretched in a manner that looked quite painful.

"Or maybe they've just killed so many brain cells with the stretching they can't think to do anything else."

"No, that's the ale. That kills young and old brain cells alike, that is."

"Point. Would you-"

"No I will not have any. I like my brains unfried."


	31. Hallow's Eve

A/N: Well I'm at a party, and I just realized I forgot to post this. Happy Hallow's Eve!

And as for the outfit J is wearing... read Lixxle's things. Either here or on DeviantArt. You may want to take a friend, but just... do it. You will not regret it, and I will wait. Don't worry. It'll be fine. :)

* * *

"You are _not_ wearing that."

"Why not?"

"You're just . . . not!"

"Why can't I wear this?"

"This is not 'Let's-permanently-scar-the-children' day, it's Hallowe'en!"

"Don't you like it?"

"Strangely, yes I do. But you are still not wearing it."

"You said it was a costume party."

"It is. Wear your Goblin King clothes."

"This is one of my Goblin King outfits!"

"No, it's not. That is an 'I-am-Jareth-love-me-forever-becuz-Ah'm-so-sexeh' outfit."

"But you like it, why can't I wear it?"

"Because I can't carry a baseball bat to beat enamoured and hormonal females away with and still be allowed in the door. They might allow my boffer axe, but that won't do barely any damage."

"Hm. I suppose it might be a bit too much for them." She groaned.

"Whatever you want to think. Just change." He grinned wolfishly.

"I want to think you're overcome with jealousy that other women will see me in this."

"Whatever makes you happy. Hurry, I can't breathe in this corset." He grinned again and changed. She sighed. "Finally." Taking his arm, they left. And if she muttered "Stupid leather bordello jumpsuit" as they went by, he didn't comment.


	32. A Slightly Different Anniversary

A/N: Well the stars seem to have aligned in an unfortunate way. Not only has my buffer for this fic completely vanished, there's also been a death in the family and I'm knee-deep in projects and papers for University. So, this will be the last chapter for the time being. I'll be changing its status to 'complete' but that of course doesn't mean I won't one day update it again. Fingers crossed that Jareth will visit me without making my head his summer home this time!

Thanks to everyone that's reviewed this fic. You're the reason I kept it going as long as I have, (almost nine months, hence this chapter), and why, I believe, it's longer than any of my other works on this site. Thanks so much, now go and review some other poor fic writer's stuff!

* * *

"Happy anniversary." She looked up from her computer.

"I wasn't aware we had an anniversary."

"We do."

"Oh. OK then." He sat down next to her.

"What are you doing?"

"Reading terrible fanfiction that doesn't know the difference between 'waste' and 'waist'. The PPC needs in here NOW. I can't imagine what a 'currant'/'current' mix up even produces."

"Everything turns to food?"

"Probably."

"Scary thought."

"Imagine the Labyrinth made of marshmallows." They looked at each other, and dissolved into laughter.

"The Bog of Eternal Taffy!"

"One step in it and you'll stick forever!"

"Not to mention together!"

"Swamp of Split-pea soup!"

"Broccoli forest!"

"We do not joke about the Broccoli Incident." Jareth said, completely serious, and she giggled.

"Terribly sorry, darling. Won't happen until the next time."


End file.
